I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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