When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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