i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
