apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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