I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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