Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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