I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My feet surprised me
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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