and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
