my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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