I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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