AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
All I want is dick and wine.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
