Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
