Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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