Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The feeling are messing with the penis
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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