just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
