seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize