I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
