What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
