My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
