so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Who died my cat blue again?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
