Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
