Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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