My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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