I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
