he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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