It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
