this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
