so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
