yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
