im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize