Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
