so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
