Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
