Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
false alarm, still single
Randomize
