Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
