can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
