Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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