she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize