Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
