My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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