You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
