life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
