Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
