ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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