I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
