She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
