i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
