I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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