the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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