dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
