Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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