Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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