Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
